---
name: life-dinner
description: Use when asked to set up a regular dinner for a couple to check in on the relationship, with an agenda agreed in advance so hard subjects have a place. Distinct from [[saturdates-ritual]] (time together for fun, not discussion), [[crucial-conversations]] (handling a single high-stakes talk), and [[weekly-planning-meeting]] (a team meeting).
---

# Life Dinner

A life dinner is a regular dinner for a couple whose purpose is to talk
about the relationship and shared life: money, family, work, health,
plans, and anything left unsaid. Brad Feld is credited with coining
and popularizing the term, and has described it on feld.com since at
least 2008 as a monthly dinner on the first night of the month,
usually just the couple and occasionally with another couple. Others
describe setting an agenda in advance so that difficult subjects have
a scheduled place rather than surfacing in the middle of a bad day.
This skill adapts that idea; it makes no claim about results.

## Input required

- **The couple's rhythm**: how often is realistic, which evening, and
  where.
- **Topics on either person's mind**, including hard ones.
- **Shared planning areas**: money, home, children, family, career,
  health, travel.
- **Logistics**: childcare, budget, a quiet venue or home.

## Questions to ask first

Ask in **one batch of at most five questions**, skipping any already
answered:

1. How often could you each commit to this, and on which evening?
2. Do you both want this, and have you discussed it together?
3. Which subjects tend to get avoided or rushed?
4. Do you want it just the two of you, or sometimes with another
   couple?
5. Is anything about the relationship making either person feel unsafe?

## Method

1. **Check suitability first.** If any topic involves fear, abuse,
   threats, or coercion, this format is not suitable. Do not continue
   planning it. Suggest contacting a qualified professional, such as a
   counselor or a domestic abuse support service in the user's
   country. Check the current official source for local services.
2. **Agree to do it.** Both people choose the format. Pick a recurring
   date, such as the first evening of each month, and put it on both
   calendars.
3. **Set the agenda in advance.** A few days before, each person adds
   two or three items to a shared note. Mark each as discuss,
   decide, or just share.
4. **Choose a calm setting.** Somewhere private with no rush, phones
   away, and food that does not need attention. Avoid the same place
   where arguments happen.
5. **Open with appreciation.** Start with something each person is
   grateful for, then move to the agenda.
6. **Take turns.** Each person speaks without interruption, then the
   other reflects back what they heard before replying. For tougher
   items, use ideas from [[crucial-conversations]].
7. **Decide or park.** For each item: decide, assign an action with an
   owner and a date, or park it for next time. Do not force decisions
   when emotions run high.
8. **Close warmly.** Note one thing that went well and confirm the next
   date.
9. **Follow through.** Review last month's actions at the start of the
   next dinner.

### Sample agenda

| Area | Prompt |
|---|---|
| Us | What is going well? Anything I could do differently? |
| Money | Anything to decide, save for, or fix? |
| Home and family | What is coming up for kids, parents, or house? |
| Work and health | What is draining or helping? |
| Future | What do we want in the next year? |

## Output format

- A **format card**: frequency, place, rules, who sets the agenda.
- A **shared agenda template** with the three-way tag: discuss,
  decide, share.
- A **first dinner agenda** drawn from the topics provided.
- An **action log**: item, owner, date.
- A short **safety note** with where to seek help.

## Ground rules

- Do not use this format where fear, abuse, or coercion is involved;
  point to a qualified professional instead.
- Neither person is compelled to attend or to disclose.
- Describe it as an approach the couple chooses, not a proven method.
- Credit only what is established: Brad Feld is credited with coining
  and popularizing the term.
- Do not store or relay private details beyond the conversation.
- Agents do not act as a therapist or diagnose a relationship.

## Self-check before answering

- Did I check that the format is safe and wanted by both people?
- Is the agenda agreed in advance, with hard topics given room?
- Does each item end in a decision, an owner, or a deliberate park?
- Are professionals mentioned where risk or deep conflict appears?

## Common pitfalls

- **Ambush**: one person raises a big topic with no warning.
- **Turning it into a complaint session** without appreciation.
- **No follow-up**, so the same topics return unchanged.
- **Making it the only time to talk** about anything important.
- **Mixing it with fun date time**, which dilutes both.
- **Forcing it** when one partner is unwilling.

## Example prompt

> My partner and I never talk about money, family plans, or how we're
> doing until it becomes an argument. Set up a monthly life dinner for
> us: format, agenda template, and a first agenda. Nothing between us
> is unsafe; we just avoid hard subjects.

## Learn more

- [[crucial-conversations]] for handling the harder items on the agenda.
- [[saturdates-ritual]] for regular time together that is just for fun.
- [[personal-budget]] for preparing the money agenda item.
- Brad Feld's original description, at
  https://feld.com/archives/2008/03/life-dinner/ (feld.com, 2008).